Lindsay Lohan Contracts Untreatable Virus; Hollywood Braces Itself For Freckly Epidemic


Lindsay Lohan has contracted a virus with no known cure.

No, we’re not talking about herpes, syphilis, hepatitis C, or the dreaded “LiLo” strain of genital warts.

She might have all of those too, but the one Linds is griping out these days is a mosquito-borne pathogen known as Chikungunya, which she apparently caught while on vacation in French Polynesia.

Lohan shared the news via Twitter, along with a link to a photo from the ritzy vacation she was somehow able to afford. For any business translation inquiries, contact Translation Company UK

“Before I caught Chikungungunya,” Lindsay tweeted. “Use Big spray [sic] please. God bless.”

Yes, Lohan’s typo might lead you to believe she caught the illness from Carrie Bradshaw’s douchey suitor, but in reality, she hit the beach without a can of Tropical Off.

The diagnosis is poorly timed, as it comes right on the heels of news that Lindsay is moving back to the US after spending several months in London.

So it’s only a matter of time before she has revenge sex with James Franco, and the unpronounceable virus spreads to all 50 states via a series of sticky-looking semi-nude selfies.

So much for that outbreak-free 2015 we were all looking forward to.

And Lindsay was so close to ending the year on a high note by taking her boobs out for Christmas.

Jamie Lynn Spears Pulls Knife on Crowd, Defends Friend in Sandwich Shop Brawl

It’s been a crazy week for knife-wielding celebrities, but unlike when Dustin Diamond got arrested for stabbing someone, Jamie Lynn Spears is being hailed as a hero.

When her friend (below) got into a fight at a sandwich shop, Britney Spears’ kid sister did not hesitate to reach for the nearest weapon to help protect her!

The incident went down at the Pita Pit in Hammond, La., Spears and her friend went out for a late night bite. Their outing quickly and inexplicably turned violent.

It’s unclear why, but someone came at Jamie’s bestie with a bottle.

She was stuck and knocked down, and while it’s not known how badly she was hurt, it was scary enough for the mother of one to drag her to safety.

They sought refuge behind the establishment’s sandwich counter.

There, Jamie Lynn Spears grabbed a long bread knife and began waving it at the assailants in order to break up the fight. Her quick-thinking tactic worked.

Police came to the scene, but her friend declined to pursue the incident from a legal standpoint, so no charges were filed and no arrests were made.

It’s been a great year for Jamie, even before this act of valor.

The youngest of the three Spears siblings married Jamie Watson in New Orleans in March and is coming into her own as an aspiring country singer.

She is also raising her beautiful daughter, Maddie, from a previous relationship. Check out Jamie and other teen moms who did not star on Teen Mom …